starlit oblivion

oblivionbystars @ 2009-02-22T12:21:00

2009-02-22T12:31:17Z

I take it she is dead, then.

Apparently they told her that I love her, and then the father, in a whimsical moment, told her I'm gonna go to Cambridge or the other place and do great things. Which makes me happy. It's what she would have wanted to hear.

And then she squeezed Eileen's hand, and then my dad's, and over the next few seconds her pulse grew sparser and sparser, and then just... wasn't there any more. It's the best way to die, I guess. No seizures, no contractions, no convulsions or groans, just passing away. Apparently the high dose of diamorphine was too much for her heart to take, and that was what made it 'just stop'. That makes sense, I think.

It's sinking in a bit, now. It'll sink in more when I go to the funeral, and when we sort out her belongings. I know she left me and my sisters £2000 (yes - I gasped too. Sharp intake of breath time. She was quite rich, but it was all in savings and she never did take it out of the bank and enjoy it) so I imagine that'll go in my university fund, which is looking an awful lot healthier now. (I didn't have one before this. 'Sup, Cambridge? I'll pay my tuition fees in brilliance, wit, references to 1980s comedies, and car-jacking!' I think not.) We'll have to sort out her stuff, too... there'll be jewellery and ornaments and furniture to sort out, along with photos and things. That part might be quite interesting.

I look forwards to having Rise and Fall of the Third Reich back, because she gave me it.

Also, I can function. I'm quite proud. I thought I'd be a nervous wreck. Still, the prospect of doing work in the remainder of today doesn't exactly fill me with joy.

oblivionbystars @ 2009-02-22T10:56:00

2009-02-22T10:57:10Z

In a way, you almost remind me of Amber - dying of something minor because your kidneys are totally shot. I mean, I doubt everything else wrong with you helped, but the infection that your kidneys can't handle is the thing that'll finally carry you off.

Writer's Block: Heart to Heart

2009-02-14T22:31:06Z

Valentine's Day: love it or hate it?

View 502 Answers

Hate it.

And not even because I'm single and bitter. I'm in a relationship - two, in fact - and I'm rarely without offers. But the commercialisation, the whole fact that people think they love each other, the meaningless of relationships, how each single 'individual' one follows the same pattern... it disgusts me. It's scary, how even feelings can become forced and meaningless. Not even emotion's authentic any more.

oblivionbystars @ 2009-01-24T13:21:00

2009-01-24T13:22:16Z

Also, my head really hurts. I think I might have knocked it. I can't remember.

oblivionbystars @ 2009-01-15T22:44:00

2009-01-15T22:46:01Z

Looking at photos from last August, I can feel the sunlight on me even now.

Also, I am drunk.

It feels like it's Friday, but it's not. I guess I'll find that out in the morning.

oblivionbystars @ 2009-01-15T21:43:00

2009-01-15T21:48:49Z

View Poll: Make my decisions for me.

I am equally good at both and enjoy both equally. The teaching is more consistent for German - most of the teachers suck equally - whereas one of the teachers I know for History is REALLY GOOD but boring, and the other has been rubbish all through lower school, but is apparently good for A-level.

I am already planning on taking Maths, Chemistry, Physics and Further Maths, so I want something that I can take and do the AS before dropping it at the end of Y12. German might be better for that, and it has the advantage that I want to be fluent in German, and have native German speakers in my family. However, I am also excessively good at History (full marks in all my coursework so far) and I love that, and can manage it on my own.

In short, both of them are good ideas. Disadvantages - German has a speaking element which I have problems with, and I think for History you have to study the Tudors for part of it, which I hate. But you also get to do the Russian Revolution, I think, and the unification of Germany, which I love... but I really want to speak fluent German, and I may do a degree with a year in continental Europe, where it'd come in handy, and... too many decisions.

oblivionbystars @ 2009-01-11T14:05:00

2009-01-11T14:07:09Z

You know you're getting depressed/lonely/cold/bitter/alienated/overworked/stressed/ill ^{[delete as appropriate]} when you have to shut the internet down in disgust that every advert you ever see is about love or sex.

Writer's Block: Church and State

2009-01-04T15:40:43Z

Today in 1893 U.S. President Benjamin Harrison declared full amnesty for Mormon polygamists. Is it the government's place to define which marriages are valid and which are not?

View 500 Answers

Yes.

If you just read the one-word answer above, I'll bet right now you're thinking that I'm for banning gay marriage, for saying that 'marriage is only valid between a small section of the population'. But I think that since religion can influence what the government does, even though it shouldn't be able to, then the government should be able to influence what religion does.

I believe that the government should declare any marriage between consenting adults legal, no matter how many consenting adults there are, or what genders, ethnicities, or anything else you care to mention that they are of. But I believe that government safeguards are needed to stop damaging types of relationships from being legal - adults marrying children, forced marriages, incestuous marriages. If the goverment said that any form of partnership between anyone whatsoever was fine, then although only a tiny number of people would abuse the law, it'd make a number of unpleasant things rather more easy to access.

That said, that relies on the government being a sensible one, that will legalise all forms of marriage between consenting adults. Which we really don't have at the moment. But... in an ideal world, it would be government-regulated, albeit loosely.

oblivionbystars @ 2009-01-01T18:59:00

2009-01-01T19:02:55Z

ROFLCOPTER

Flake is selling his car on eBay.

I guess if you don't speak German or like Rammstein or Feeling B, this link won't mean very much to you. So... that makes maybe one person it'll be relevant to? Haha.

It has 22 hours to go, and is 'das ultimative Geschenk', apparently, so if you have a spare few thousand euros, you know you want it! It's even signed by the man :D

oblivionbystars @ 2008-12-31T23:46:00

2008-12-31T23:48:35Z

Funny, how things change.

This time last year, I could never have predicted what 2008 would hold.

I'm beginning to think that 2009 will be different and amazing in ways I can't imagine at the moment. So, you know, bring it on. Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.

oblivionbystars @ 2008-12-31T22:46:00

2008-12-31T23:04:16Z

This year, have you...

Lost a friend?
Lost them and gained them within the year! Yeah, I distanced myself from a few people, and a few distanced themselves from me. I don't care so much; it evidently wasn't meant to be.

Stayed single almost the whole year?
Not once ;)

Kissed someone new?
Definitely!

Had your heart broken?
Not at all. I'm not a great believe in 'heartbreak', but if I was, I'd say this was the year my heart got fixed.

Had a stalker?
YES ACTUALLY. Edward, the conservative Christian! (WHAT DOES HE SEE IN ME?)

Done something you've regretted?
Not so much, actually. A few stupid mistakes, a few unguarded comments, but nothing that was my fault.

Cut class?
'Miss, can I go to my music lesson?' Always works.

Were involved in something you'll never forget?
Definitely, definitely.

Visited a different country?
Yes! Spain and France!

Lost something important to you?
~~My virginity~~. I don't think so, actually. Oh - Ben, my dog.

Got a gift you adored?
~~Someone else's virginity.~~ Again, yes. My laptop :)

Dyed your hair?
I had it dyed, yeah! Light blonde on top, and dark brown on the bottom, and it looked NICE.

Read a great book?
The Great Gatsby. It was insufferably dull on the first reading, but when I started to analyse it I just couldn't put it down.

2008: Your Love Life

Did you break up with anyone?
Yeah. Two people, in fact.

Did you get anything for Valentine's day?
I got the company of my two best friends at the time! Which was all anyone could want.

Did you meet anyone special?
Very much so.

Did you fall in love?
Yeah. Well, I thought I was 'in love' already, but I really... consolidated it.

Do you like someone right now?
Most definitely!

2008: Friends and Enemies

Did you meet any new friends this year?
FAR too many. I met lots in the flesh, and made some online, too. And in real life. I got all close to all the band geeks, which is something I've wanted to do for years.

Did you dislike anyone?
Yeah.

Did you make any new enemies?
Yes, actually! GO ME

Did you resolve any fights?
Yeah. Well... misunderstandings?

Did you grow apart from anyone?
Oh, most definitely! Perhaps I shouldn't have done, but some people annoy me so much that I can't be bothered with a friendship.

Do you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships?
I wish I'd not been such a bitch to Briony, and that Helen had liked me. And mebbe I was a bit harsh to Jenny, and I should have treated Charlotte better. I should have waited until I knew Ginny before judging her, because she is lovely. But, you know, I suck.

2008: Your BIRTHDAY!

Did you have a cake?
Me and N made one when she came to stay, so yes! And I had some buns that Charlotte made me!

Did you have a party?
Actually, I didn't. I suck.

Did you get any presents?
Yes :D

If so what was the best thing you got?
It's a tradeoff between... something awesome, and my laptop.

2008: All about YOU

Did you change at all this year?
More than I have words for. I used to be such an over-emotional failure, and now, you know, I win.

Did you get your hair cut?
Yeah! To shoulder-length.

Did you change your style?
Definitely. I look more like a geek now, but it's all good.

Were you in school?
Alas, yes.

Did you have a job?
I... type for the mother? No, I can't get a job; I have band on weekends, and I work after school.

Did you drive?
Not old enough D:

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not that I remember!

Did you move at all?
Sometimes as much as three or four yards at a time, to the fridge and back.

Did you go on any vacations?
To the south of France, and then over into Spain. I went to Scotland, too.

Would you change anything about yourself now?
Not really, but I suspect next year will change me anyway.

2009

1. Will you be looking for a new job?
I'd like a job, but I can't. D: Prior committments.

2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
I do hope not! I'm happy as I am.

3. New house?
I WOULD LIKE SOME HOUSE (Y)

4. What will you do differently in 2009?
Your mother. I was thinking doggy-style instead of missionary.

5. New Years’ resolution?
Monitor blood sugar levels more closely, you foo'.

6. What will you not be doing in 2009?
Your father. He's just not sexy enough for me.

7. Any trips planned?
TOUR :D And a week in Scotland, and hopefully off to Paris for a few days.

8. Wedding plans?
Me and Ginny are engaged. I got ordained online, so I shall marry us!

9. Major thing on your calendar?
Saturday, and my meetup in Nottingham :D

10. What can’t you wait for?
Saturday! Also, going to Duesseldorf to meet my family, hopefully.

11. What would you like to see happen differently?
No self-harm for you, missis.

12. What about yourself will you be changing?
Hopefully nothing; I like myself, now.

13. What happened in 2008 that you didn’t think would ever happen?
Happiness.

14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
If anything, I should be less nice. I'm way too nice, then I get... used, is that the word?

15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 2008?
I was thinking of being a streaker.

16. Will you start or quit drinking?
START! DEFINITELY! WHOOOOOO- Yeah, I should probably drink more. My alcohol tolerance is rubbish D:

17. Will you better your relationship with your family?
*snickers and mentions something about court proceedings*

18. Will you do charity work?
I should.

19. Will you go to bars?
Of steel, yes.

20. Will you be nice to people you don’t know?
NEVERRRRR- Yes. I reserve my contempt for those I know well enough to hate.

21. Do you expect 2009 to be a good year for you?
Well, it better be, or Ima kick its ass.

22. How much did you change from this time last year till now?
Oh god, SO SO MUCH.

23. Do you plan on having a child?
In the next year? YOU BETCHA NOT

24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?
Probably; I'd like to be.

25. Major lifestyle changes?
What, like a sex change? Not till you're 18, baby.

26. Will you be moving?
No, I plan on staying 100% sedentary all year.

27. What will you make sure doesn’t happen in 2009 that happened in 2008?
WAPE

28. What are your New Years Eve plans?
Sitting and filling out a meme. You?

29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight?
I'll give myself a little kiss...

30. One wish for 2009?
That it brings with it hookers, Vicodin, and internet porn.

The end, again?

2008-12-31T00:23:02Z

2008 was the best year of my life.

So much happened. So much happiness, and a hell of a lot of things that were just plain awesome or good fun. And I really changed as a person, too... I know myself better now, understand what I want from life, and aren't scared of aiming for it. Or of failing.

I'm happy. I'm more fucked-up, by normal peoples' standards, than I ever was; more self-indulgent, more cruel, more impulsive. But I see a beauty in life that I never noticed before; there's joy in happiness, and romance in misery.

Thankyou, I guess, to the people who changed me so I could change myself. You were the ones who read my angst-saturated friends-only journal entries, who replied to my texts at 1am, who laughed at my jokes even when they went too far. I hope I made your year, too.

I don't know how 2009 could possibly improve on this, but it better do.

oblivionbystars @ 2008-12-27T23:36:00

2008-12-27T23:41:01Z

So, me and a couple of friends are meeting up for the day next Saturday in Nottingham.

We want to wear fancy dress.

Bearing in mind that my budget is relatively limited, and that I already own a fairly authentic Russian hat and can easily procure cheap clothes from charity shops, and that a costume shop exists in the town where I live, but I am too nervous to go in it, and that my friend is fairly handy with makeup and can draw on fake facial hair... what should I dress up as?

oblivionbystars @ 2008-12-27T00:27:00

2008-12-27T00:36:25Z

Writing statistics coursework at ridiculous hours of the morning is so fun. That said, it's my own fault. I set myself mini-deadlines - tonight, for example, I had to finish the section on methods - and if I don't meet them, then I make myself.

I ran it through a reading age calculator, though (which is ironic, given that it's on the readability of various mass media sources) and it came out with a SMOG Grade of 18.18, which is allegedly of similar complexity to the Harvard Business Review. I'm flattered, considering that this masterpiece only gets a SMOG Grade of 9.55, or allegedly as complex as the Reader's Digest, and even my more well-written blog posts don't fare as well, ending up at 14.06, or allegedly as complex as the New York Times.

oblivionbystars @ 2008-12-24T16:24:00

2008-12-24T16:26:28Z

It's Christmas Eve, my grandma's coming round any second now, we have a huge meal, a few modest presents, and some communal games planned, and I think I might actually be excited.

This is my favourite day of the season, not the 25th like everyone else. It's more friendly, more intimate, and I've always felt more of a connection to it than the hugh American, commercialised extravaganza that is the day after.

Mr winkler is GAY

2008-12-22T21:59:25Z

Mr winkler is gay. he is the worst english teacher EVER he suxs. He gave me a F!!!! because i didnt read some gay book. Even though it wasnt my fault. i dot like him and niobody does because he is gay and stupid and ugly and retarted and fat. i wish he will gats firedfrom his job and goes to the moon or a gay retared place. he is GAY GAY GAY GAY!!!!! HE IS THE WORST PERSON EVER. HE IS SO BAD. I HOPE HE GET SOME SICK.

oblivionbystars @ 2008-12-22T18:29:00

2008-12-22T18:32:20Z

It's a curse, being this clever.
I write notes to my life,
scribble staccato on every surface;
tickets,
receipts,
five-pound notes,
nothing escapes my graphite presence.
I stop sometimes to add citations,
last names of acquaintances,
feverishly indexing,
damming streams of consciousness.
I heave my sighs through dates and times,
the magic in the numbers
always quantified by my annotations
but sometimes I wonder
if I'd be better living
and letting things write themselves down.

oblivionbystars @ 2008-12-21T22:54:00

2008-12-21T23:02:02Z

Erst wenn es zu Ende ist, sehen wir, dass es keine Ziele gibt,
und dass so vieles, das wir tun, Zeitverschwendung ist.
Erst wenn das Ende kommt, werden uns die Fehler klar,
die jeder Mensch im Lauf der Zeit immer wieder macht.

Was willst du behalten außer Deiner Erinnerung?
Sie wird das Allerletzte sein, was du noch geben kannst.

Erst wenn wir das Ende sehen, beginnen wir zu verstehen,
worum es eigentlich für uns im Leben geht.
Wenn vor uns das Ende liegt und wir alleine sind,
erkennen wir für uns das Glück, das wir sonst nie sehen.

Wie ein Netz wirft sich der Regen über das ganze Land,
klopft an unser Fenster und erinnert uns daran,
dass es kein Leben ohne Schmerz gibt, ohne Suche nach dem Sinn,
keine Chance etwas aufzuhalten, keine Chance etwas zurückzudrehen.

Erst wenn es zu Ende ist, sehen wir, dass es keine Ziele gibt,
und dass das meiste, was wir tun, Zeitverschwendung ist...

We only see that there are no targets when it's all over,
And that so much of what we do is a waste of time.
We only see the mistakes we've made when it's all over,
But then so does everyone.

What do you want to keep, except for your memory?
It'll be the very last thing that you have.

We only begin to understand when it's all over
What's really for us in life.
If the end lies before us, and we are alone,
We recognise the good fortune that we otherwise never see.

Like a network spreads the rain over the whole country,
It knocks on our window and tells us to remember
That there's no life without pain, but without searching for meaning
There's no chance of something unstoppable, no chance of getting something back.

We only see that there are no targets when it's all over,
And that so much of what we do is a waste of time...

oblivionbystars @ 2008-12-21T21:55:00

2008-12-21T21:55:47Z

oblivionbystars @ 2008-12-21T00:28:00

2008-12-21T00:30:25Z

This, a novella by Joey Comeau, one of the people behind this webcomic, is what I've spent the past half-hour feverishly reading.

I personally think it's brilliant, if only because I want to be most of the protagonists.

You should give it a read.

oblivionbystars @ 2008-12-20T22:37:00

2008-12-20T22:38:34Z

These are all things the well-meaning general public gave me for Christmas, but I don't know which order to start on them in.

View Poll: Because I am incapable of doing anything myself.

oblivionbystars @ 2008-12-20T01:06:00

2008-12-20T01:08:42Z

96% in my History mock and 99% in my Maths mock.

I'm kinda proud. It's only jumping through academic hoops, and it's ultimately pointless. I'm not under any delusions as to its objective use. But all the same, I'm allowed to feel good about it if I want to.

oblivionbystars @ 2008-12-20T00:23:00

2008-12-20T00:55:30Z

From November the 5^th, just in case it makes more sense when you know that.

I love this. But I've got into a real phase of finding transience and meaninglessness lasting and meaningful lately. Because, after all, what else is life made from? (I read it more as 'There are no sweeter words than this: Nothing lasts forever'. I prefer it like that.)

There's total absolution in emptiness.

I love the first panel especially. We're not here forever.

That's as far as I got before my brain said NO STOP and my clipboard said GO AWAY. The real comic is here, and I think it's well worth a look.

Because I think too much.

2008-12-20T00:21:19Z

It's immature to think of love as the things that come with it, the things that it causes.

Love isn't kisses, or hugs, or romantic clichés like nights spent holding each other. They're lovely, but they're not it. It isn't closeness and trust, either; it's not being able to tell someone anything, which is also lovely, but is something that comes with love. It's not sex, not lust, not even the most amazing sex you can have, where your bodies seem to be so much in sync and everything happens perfectly. It's not constantly laughing, looking forwards to each others' company, being best friends. It's not even in the in-jokes or the unspoken knowledge that this is all going to last for a long time, and that both of you are happy about that.

It's what you're left with, I think, when you take all that away, and all you have left is the people, and the potential between them for everything beautiful to be created and developed and enjoyed.

I think potential is the most wonderful thing. More important, and more enjoyable, than realisation and achievement; there's a romance in potential, in holding the future within you and not yet having caused it to happen, that there isn't in looking back and thinking 'Yeah, I did that'. And the special thing about love, I think, is that it means you can have both. You can do brilliant things, and have a wonderful relationship, and know that even if none of that had happened yet, it would still be about to. And that just because you've already been happy together doesn't mean you've used it all up. It means you have so much potential, so many more pathways, so many more things that you can make happen.

As chemical interactions go, it's pretty amazing.

oblivionbystars @ 2008-12-20T00:00:00

2008-12-20T00:07:09Z

So, I actually have a bona fide limp.

I was walking up the stairs to Maths this morning - laden-down, mind you, with approximately a thousand bags of presents, Graphics folders, instruments, music, textbooks, exercise books and calculators - when I tripped on the third-to-last step coming up. The stairs are capped with a sharp metal cover on the point of the stairs, making it lethal to anyone who happens to be dyspraxic enough to experience it at an unpleasant speed, coupled with a downwards motion.

My leg gave out.

Splat.

I actually heard the noise, grabbed for a hand, picked myself and my bags up, and got over the inevitable laughing and round the corner all before the pain hit. When it did, I remember gasping and swearing, and sitting down on a bench while I kneaded the damaged area (a line right across my right calf, incidentally) and tried, shakily, to walk.

I limped for the rest of the day.

When I got home, I had time to examine the extent of the damage (sexually attractive as I am, flashing my legs in public is a line that even I draw). Nothing. I ran my fingers over it, bemused, and felt the skin: a large, swollen area on my leg where I'd hit it, and below that, what felt like a definite kink in bone structure. And, of course, agonising pain, making it impossible for me to walk without lunging for support every few seconds.

I haven't been able to do anything since. Walk to get my tea? No chance. Manouver all the way upstairs into bed? You have to be kidding. Stand for ten minutes while I shower? Get real.

So. Tell me, LJ. What have I done to my leg? Am I going to die?